My Perfect Player #17

The 17th ‘My Perfect Player’ is brought to you by Ritesh of ‘The False 9‘, a tactical blog inspired by Zonal Marking. This entry is a little different to those that you have seen – I hope you like satire…

Hair – Neymar

One thing people do not know about Neymar’s hairstyle is that it is aerodynamically designed to cut down on air resistance during running. People may laugh and fans may mock, but his unique hairstyle is one of the reasons he is so sought after by the European clubs. Designed by a Italian enginner who works for the Ferrari F1 team, his hair is cut in such a way that it creates a difference in pressure around his head which helps him while running and going past defenders.

Left Hand – Diego Maradona

When I first thought about hands for my perfect player, the first names in my mind were Banks, Yashin and some other modern shot-stoppers. But then I thought, my perfect player’s hands should also be able to score goals. And if my player has the hand of God himself then what else do I need.I considered Thierry Henry’s left hand too, but it brought more despair to France than joy.

Right Hand – Luis Suarez

Although Suarez saved Uruguay with both his hands, his right hand was the one which actually made the save (he told me after the match). So anyone who saves his nation with his right hand should obviously be on this list. Another contender for this position was the now retired Paul Scholes’s right hand. If you can recollect in one of the games, he managed to hit a volleyball smash into the goal, sadly his application was rejected as the goal was disallowed.

Eyes – Pierluigi Collina

You may all know him as the referee with terrifying eyes. But I know him as a teenage central defender (I was there on his debut at Bologna). With his eyes my perfect player can terrify anyone. The referee would get nightmares about my eyes and they would not dare book him. One downside: little children will stop coming to the stadium.

Temper – Sir Alex Ferguson

Who else? The Ex-Rangers center forward has a battery operated temper, which can be switched on and off as you wish. Yes,we are talking about the famous hairdryer which now is celebrating its 25th anniversary at the Theatre of Dreams. With this sort of a temper, players wont think twice when asked to pass the ball or leave a freekick alone.

Heart and Soul – Super Mario Balotelli

Jose Mourinho once said he was unmanageable. But many people have no idea about the real Mario. One night after winning 25k in a Manchester casino, he gave £1000 to a homeless man – now have you ever heard any footballer doing anything for charity? And on an another occasion, he drove a boy home after he ran away from bullies and then confronted the bullies himself – now name one footballer who has the courage to do that?

Right Leg – Nigel de Jong

This was a tough choice, as I had to choose between a certain Eric Cantona who can a perform a flying kung fu kick, which would make Bruce Lee proud. But again, here stealth and not getting caught is more important. So I certainly want my player to have the right leg of Nigel De Jong, which comes with the ability to break the opponent’s leg whenever you want and get away with it. And once in a while kick the hell out of your opponent (remember Xabi Alonso) and somehow escape from getting even booked.

Left Leg – Lionel Messi

Well my player can score goals with his hands, terrify people, break other player’s legs but he needs to play some football too. So I have gone for the best footballer of out generation, Lionel Messi. With that kind of a left leg ,my player will be able to dribble, shoot, chip, lob, practically do everything which is possible with a football.

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